I’m asking some of the people you might encounter on the UMBC campus, including students, faculty, staff and alumni, to answer a few questions about themselves and their experiences. These are their responses.

Name: John Stainer

Hometown: Columbia, MD

Q: How long have you been at UMBC?

A: 3 years

Q: What is your current title (job or student organization position)?

A:Um, Student? I’m majoring in Computer Science, so I guess Computer Science Student? I don’t, like, also work here or anything, so I don’t really have a title.

Q: In 12 words or less, what role(s) do you play on campus?

A: I go to classes here. I don’t really need another seven words.

Q: What aspect of your UMBC role(s) do you enjoy most?

A: Wow, that’s a tough one. I guess it would be the aspect where I get a degree? I’m not sure that counts though, I mostly enjoy that because it means I get to leave UMBC. Maybe, like eating here? I like eating. But then, I don’t like eating HERE, so that doesn’t count either…hmmm, maybe get back to me on that one.  

Q: What is the most important or memorable thing you learned in college/have learned at UMBC?

A: Well, when I graduated high school, I had a lot of big dreams for my life. I guess what I’ve learned since then is that I’m incapable of all the things I used to want to do, and I should just keep my head down and get a job I hate, because even though I’ll be miserable, I’ll be able to afford prostitutes.

Q: Complete this sentence: "I am a big fan of __________"

A:   Ugh, I don’t know, I think I lost my capacity to enjoy things a long time ago.

Q: Do you have any UMBC stories, little-known facts about UMBC, favorite spots on campus, or anything else you’d like to share?

A: Everytime I pass a group of prospective students on a tour, I feel like yelling to them “DON’T DO IT! DON’T GO HERE ITS AWFUL! SAVE YOURSELVES, BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!!” but I don’t because deep down, I know it’s not UMBC that sucks, it’s life.