The First Farewell to myUMBC
Yes, this one is actually real! I promise!!
posted over 9 years ago
Before I retire back to my "retail job", in true spirit as a veteran of myUMBChan, I must proclaim my farewell in a long drawn-out opening post. In contrast to my predecessors who have participated in their own farewell threads, this post shall be my last on myUMBChan. I shall not reply to any posts made here nor any other thread. I shall go where no forumite has gone before. I shall escape the River Styx that is the Dome.
I shall start with our own Ms. Wenger. When we met, you were the White Knight of a man we all know and loathe even though he believed you were stupid because you lack the male genitalia. We exchanged many a sharp and pointy word, but after you fell from the grace of the God Reverend of Heretic Kind, I now consider you a wonderful friend. I thank our Lord Bentheon for introducing us in person.
Mai waifu, Mr. Erik Walker, the Reverend of the Walker Baptist Church [WBC], the Creationist Biology major of the forums. I remember when you proclaimed from atop Mt. Olympus your lineage with Zeus, your wisdom as the Prophet, and that all women are stupid [thread previously deleted]. You also taught us that there is no contradiction in claiming one has nothing against Islam, while reciting Islamophobic websites and declaring all Muslims to be terrorists. I remember when you rode down the side of the mountain upon one of your many logical phallusies, shouting your battle cry: "You are a homosexual atheist! Your argument is invalid!". Your arguments made me laugh in the moment, then weep knowing that you managed to make it through our compulsory public education system. I want you to know that although I am merciless to heretical asshats and/or morons, I have nothing against Christians. The next time I'm in your neck of the woods, I will hope that you have controlled your sinful hand and will not adulterate the fries I intend to order from you.
P.S., I'm dying to know. Did you actually graduate from UMBC? Many people seem to think you have, but you've never actually made the assertion yourself.
Matthew Eck, the Reverend 2.0 of myUMBChan. You came into our lives to fill the hole that Erik left when he left for the first/second/third/etc. time. An immovable object of Stone Age wisdom. You proudly immortalized your own epic failure as an individual with your SGA Senate Campaign: your AMA thread. In that thread, you carved in stone many of your beliefs for the history books. These include the following: the trickle-down economy (or why you believe publicly urinating on the poor and homeless is a good thing); why federally mandated safety regulations are A Bad Thing TM (or why we must destroy the FDA and make hand-washing optional); why torture through waterboarding is patriotic and American (or how we baptize the terrorists); and the value of white supremacy (or why the KKK is A Good Thing TM). I would love to say something good about you, but you haven't shown much personality beyond your Stone Age wisdom.
Jared Wilkins, the disappointing Reverend 2.5. Your entrance to the fray was preceded with much fanfare and benchmarks indicating more bloat and less performance than the previous version. Not enough features to justify a version 3.0, you are the Windows ME of the Reverends, the Jar Jar Binks of the Reverend Trilogy. I shall not forget the fun game of forum tag we played in the beginning.
To my dear friend, Travis Gorleski, kudos to you! Outside of those who knew me beyond myUMBC, you were the only one who figured out exactly why I posted on this dysfunctional forum. I know it's been a while since you've last posted, but I know you, like many other Ghosts of myUMBChan's Past, you will never truly leave.
To Adamsen... it doesn't really matter which one... you can't really tell one apart from the other strictly from their posts on myUMBC... Your are a true Constitutional originalist. Even the Bible is too liberal for your Constitution. After all, as you have taught us, the Constitution is self-interpreting. You strike me as a true patriot. I envision you as one who would invoke his Second Amendment rights to take out the Founding Fathers just so you could have the privilege of founding this great nation yourself. Your views on women and gender are so far to the right that even the Reverend by comparison appeared as (and voiced similar opinion to) Elizabeth Warren. I wish you luck on your future. With your Economics degree, I'm sure you will apply what you haven't learned about economics to become Too Big To Fail. God bless 'MURICA!!
To Khaled, you have my respect. You lasted longer in treating the Reverend like a rational intelligent being than any other forumite. I ask you continue to troll in my absence and implore you to not make Lord Bentheon perceive you as one of his Mistakes.
Of course I cannot forget about the Social Justice Paladins of myUMBChan. The white knights of social revolution. Those brave individuals fighting to change the world, for better or for worse it matters not to them. Their Crusade will ensure the progress of humanity even if it is progress towards the nearest cliff. Their goals are grandiose and noble because they understand that they must #Occupy everything because #AllLivesMatter. They have instilled within us their creed: check your privilege at the door and pick it up on your way out. Thanks to them, I understand that only Tumblr activism built upon the whims of tweens is the One True Path to creating a world where everyone is equally screwed. Until I met them, I did not realize there was more to feminism than textbook feminism. I did not realize there were actual Fauxminists and Feminazis. They insist men take the Blue Pill over the Red Pill. To this I say, why would you call men pigs while forcing them to maintain an erection for the next four hours? Get off the Internet and start cooking in a soup kitchen.
Smothermon, though right-leaning, you are rational and reasonable.
Bahn, you have a lot of life experiences. How is it that you find this forum more interesting than everything else you've experienced in your life?
There are many others who merit their own mention. Some are wonderful friends or at least unoffensive. Gabriel, Tim, and TimCham. I'm sure there are many others that I have forgotten to name.
Sieg Heil our Divine Communist Lord Bentheon. You created me long before you created your Original Mistake: myUMBChan. Then because you are not a benevolent deity, you graced us with your Second Mistake: the God Reverend of the Walker Baptist Church. Though I am now leaving your Mistake, I know we shall continue to exist and meet outside of this Obamanation you have given birth to.
My dear James Cockrell. I have not forgotten your desire to make an appearance at my wedding. Please consider this your formal invitation. The date is tomorrow in the 51st state of Canadia. I implore you to bring your waifu, the e-steamed Erik "Reverend" Walker, as your date. You two really do make a cute couple. ;-)
Cheers!
Farewell
Adios
さらば
(edited over 9 years ago)
