This is a work of satire.

It started out as a normal day of class, down in the Engineering lecture hall, with Professor Eric Anderson lecturing on the intricate processes of magnetic flux. Students, enraptured by the fascinating truths of our universe, were paying close attention to the lecture — a usual phenomenon to be found on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays in the Engineering building.

It was so silent, in fact, save for the soothing and fatherly voice of Anderson, that it provided the perfect opportunity for the following pandemonium to ensue. For it was on last Friday, April 26, that one student found the gall to interrupt such a pleasant experience of learning and commit the most heinous of crimes. The felony in question, of course, was the spoiling of Avengers: Endgame.

Given the number of death threats he received since the event, we have decided to keep his name out of this article. The only thing the police have said about the event, however, is that the student, “was just joking around, and didn’t think anyone would hear other than the guy next to him.”

After he spoke the spoiler, the response was immediate. All over the lecture hall, soft groans rose in a crescendo, until everyone was wailing out from the grief of the information revealed.

“It was big,” said one student, for whom the movie was spoiled. “I almost didn’t even bother watching it, when I heard the spoiler that scumbag dropped.” The spoiler referred to one of those times in the theater, he explained, where everyone was cheering. “I wasn’t cheering,” he said. “I already knew it would happen.”

“I don’t even watch any of the movies. I’m more of a D.C. guy, really,” said another student who was in the lecture when it happened. “But — man. That spoiler. Oof. I am glad I don’t watch those movies, because the thing he said sounded like an awesome thing that I would’ve hated to be spoiled.”

After the incident, the lecture was stopped and class ended. When prompted, Anderson said, “To think there are people in this world who would do that kind of thing is sick. It made me realize,” he said, as tears glistened in his eyes, “that I needed to see my family. I picked up my kids from school and we all went to the movie theater, immediately. Now, nobody can do to them what was done to me.”

Anderson finished the interview by saying he failed the student for the semester. Though the number of interviews on the incident is astonishing — many people, still, wish to process the grief of what happened and share with the world — we will finish with a word from our president. “This is a distinguished and dignified honors university,” Dr. Freeman Hrabowski said about the incident. “And if you think we tolerate such behavior, you are very wrong.” The student has, since the upset, been expelled from UMBC.

For entrepreneurs, innovators and professionals, presenting a TED Talk is the height of one’s career. Although there is only one TED conference and it is both highly selective and pricey, over 50,000 TEDx talks have been organized independently in recent years. UMBC will add to that number of independent TEDx talks in the spring of 2020.

Shrijana Khanal, a sophomore economics student, became the co-president for this rising club after being approached by a friend. Khanal stated, “Tirzah Khan, who is a sophomore information systems major, went to STRiVE with me and she had the original idea. She knew I was sort of into this leadership initiative and just having good quality conversations, so she reached out and then we became co-presidents.”

Khanal notes that UMBC has already hosted two TEDx events in 2014 and 2017 but they were not well-known, so they decided to create the club “in hopes that people would create a talk every year.”

Neither Khanal nor Khan were students at UMBC during the time of the last TEDx talk on campus, so the inspiration came from the neighboring Johns Hopkins University. Khanal explains, “[Khan] got inspired because she went to a TEDx talk hosted by Johns Hopkins and there was actually a UMBC student who spoke there, and then she was thinking, ‘Oh, why isn’t this person speaking on our campus?’ So she wanted to create this with the hopes of just fostering the UMBC community and as a way for everyone to hear different stories.”

Khanal adds that the speakers at the event will be exclusively members of the UMBC community, stating, “we want students and faculty but we even want employees from d-hall to come and just everyone who is in the UMBC community to share their stories.” Khanal also revealed that the topic for the TEDx talk at UMBC in the spring of 2020 will be “uncertainty,” although they are still in the early stages of planning. 

UMBC currently offers other means of expression for students through events like URCAD, but Khanal maintains that TEDx talks provide a more personal setting for students to share their experiences. She says, “In URCAD, everyone is doing mind-blowing research but maybe people just want to give their minds a rest and regroup to think about who they are and the different challenges they’re facing in their identity… so this is a platform for people to just share their personal struggles and how they grew as a person.”

TEDx talks also differ from current events on campus in that they are taped and available online for viewers to watch in the future. Khanal comments, “TEDx talks are so universal… For me, I listen to them on YouTube whenever I’m going through stuff just to have hope, so I think my inspiration came from [Khan] and I working together and sharing a common vision of just letting college students know that they’re not alone in their struggles.”

Like any emerging organization on campus, Khanal and Khan have faced a number of struggles in working out the details. Khanal shares, “our challenge is that we don’t want people to share the same type of story, because for me when I think of uncertainty I just think of school and where I’m headed in life, but I want people to share different types of stories. One person can talk about uncertainty in academics… another person can talk about when they went through a bad breakup and having uncertainty about their identity… another topic could be losing someone in a family death or something like that, so just sharing unique stories which have a different sort of pain related to a different sort of growth.”

Although the club does not plan to hold meetings until the fall semester, Khanal says that there is “a lot of interest in members already” from friends of the two co-presidents and members of clubs they have reached out to with the idea. If successful with their event in the spring of 2020, the club may be able to establish a new tradition on campus for students to speak and be heard.

You are not at UMBC only to seek recognition. You are here to gain an education. But, if you are a strong student, you may find yourself making the Dean’s List, joining (or even leading) honor societies, working toward an Honors College Medallion, or applying for merit scholarships in your field.  Here is some information to help you navigate these opportunities at UMBC.

Academic Honors based on Semester Grades

The academic honor available to the largest number of UMBC students is completely automatic. Full-time students who achieve certain semester grade point averages receive a notation on their permanent UMBC transcripts as follows:  

Semester Academic Honors = 3.50 and up

Dean’s List Honors = 3.75 and up

President’s List Honors = 4.00

The beauty of this recognition is that you get a chance at it every fall and spring semester. It is definitely a morale boost also and resume-worthy when you see one of these notations on your transcript. It places you among the most successful students at UMBC in a given semester.

Honor Societies-Multi-disciplinary

Honor societies may be identified by Greek letters, but they are not fraternities or sororities in the usual sense of “Greek life” on campus.  Based on your academic performance at UMBC, you may be invited to join one or more of these organizations. You do not apply for membership. The most active honor societies on campus are:

Phi Beta Kappa:  The big Kahuna of American scholarly honor societies, PBK was founded at the College of William and Mary back in 1776 (a big year for the American colonies!). To win a Phi Beta Kappa key, a student has to achieve very high grades in a course of study that includes courses across the liberal arts well beyond minimum general education requirements for a degree.  A faculty committee here at UMBC evaluates potential selectees for Phi Beta Kappa honors. UMBC’s faculty and staff who were PBK members from their undergraduate days had to demonstrate the breadth and rigor of our academic program to establish a chapter of this prestigious honor society in 1998.  This is one invitation you will definitely want to accept if offered.

Phi Kappa Phi:  Founded in 1897 at the University of Maine, Phi Kappa Phi honors high-achieving students in all disciplines, at both the undergraduate and graduate levels.  The UMB-UMBC chapter was installed at UMBC in 2010 and is hard at work at creating campus presence. Phi Kappa Phi’s motto is “Let the love of learning rule humanity.” 

Golden Key International Honor Society:  Golden Key membership is extended to high-achieving students in all disciplines. The national and international organizations offer a large program of scholarships and awards open to members as well as regional and national conferences. UMBC’s award-winning chapter of Golden Key is well known for its extensive community service commitments, such as hosting an annual Halloween party for children at Villa Maria Children’s Center.  A tutoring program at Arbutus Middle School is another project recently launched.  

Tau Sigma National Honor Society:  Founded in 1999 at Auburn University, Tau Sigma recognizes and supports talented transfer students at four-year universities. This society does require students who believe they meet the criteria to apply for membership. Membership is available to transfer students who achieve high-grade averages during their first full-time semester of enrollment at UMBC. The UMBC chapter was created in 2007.

Graduation Honors

Honors are based upon coursework taken throughout a student’s entire undergraduate academic career at UMBC. To be eligible for Honors, students must have earned at least 60 graded credits at UMBC (excluding Pass/Fail and Audit grades) with a GPA as follows:

Summa cum laude (“With highest honor”): Students graduating with a GPA between 3.95 and 4.0.

Magna cum laude (“With high honor”): Students graduating with a GPA between 3.75 and 3.9499.

Cum laude (“With honor”): Students graduating with a GPA between 3.5 and 3.7499.

Visit the Registrar’s website for how graduation honors in calculated.

Academic Recognition for Varsity Athletes

The National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) and other external organizations sponsor a variety of awards recognizing the academic achievements of varsity athletes.  UMBC athletes and whole teams regularly receive recognition for maintaining high academic standards despite demanding athletic schedules. Also, UMBC sponsors a chapter of the National College Athlete Honor Society, 

Academic Merit Scholarships

The great bulk of academic merit scholarships at UMBC are awarded to students at the time they are admitted to UMBC.  However, there are some opportunities for students enrolled at UMBC to compete for scholarships based primarily on academic achievement, sometimes in combination with service and need.  For example, UMBC sponsors a small scholarship for returning women students. The UMBC Alumni Association also sponsors scholarships for continuing students. The Honors College and the Ancient Studies Department have some study abroad scholarships. The UMBC Theatre Department provides modest scholarships to majors based on academic performance and service. An extensive listing of such scholarships is available.

These scholarships are as much a way for UMBC to recognize top students as they are a means of financial support.  Applying for merit scholarships at UMBC is therefore very worthwhile, even if the amounts involved are modest. These scholarships come and go, so be sure to do careful research.

This is a work of satire.

In their never-ending effort to stay ahead of the times, UMBC administration released an announcement this past week that sent ripples through the whole UMBC community. After brief deliberation, and given the high quantity of commuter students, the administration has decided to double down on these commuters and, for next year, close all of the residential halls.

This fact may come as a surprise to many. Because UMBC weekends are completely barren, besides the few tours looking to recruit more commuters, one would think that UMBC is already a commuter-only school. Shockingly, there are indeed students who live on campus; they’re just locking themselves away to pursue their antisocial activities.

Administration explained that this move will be beneficial to students on many different levels. “Housing is a scam,” they said. “You are certainly not getting your money’s worth out of our facilities.”

By closing down the resident halls, students can save money on the overcharged and undercooked food as well as the overly expensive living facilities. Therefore, what they lose in creating a community and learning independence, they gain in financial alleviation.

What was failed to mention, however, is that the money saved on housing will turn to smoke as it is all spent on the copious amounts of gasoline needed to take on I-695’s traffic each day. When the administration was asked whether or not I-695 commutes helped learn independence in the ways the dormitories used to, they pointed to another benefit that will occur in its place.

Not only will this solution save money, it will also foster a social community. UMBC administration hopes that this solution will encourage social interactions. Due to the limited number of tables in The Commons, the sudden influx of commuters will now encourage students to share a table with other students, encouraging social behavior and decreasing the current communicative norm: simple grunts of communication.

Of the many dormitories on campus, UMBC will be tearing down Susquehanna, endearingly called “Crustquehanna,” due to its age and crustiness. In its place, UMBC will be setting up one hundred new parking spaces to share amongst the projected 1,500 additional cars to be on campus.

When asked what the rest of the closed-down dormitories would be used for, the administration replied that they may use them to alleviate failing and antiquated public infrastructure. With luck, UMBC dormitories will be transformed into high-profile maximum security penitentiaries.

The hypocrisy of the Democratic Party is perhaps best embodied in Joe Biden, a man who recently announced his candidacy in the Democratic primaries. He is already enjoying significant support from establishment elites, snagging endorsements from party heavyweights like Andrew Cuomo and Dianne Feinstein before even officially announcing. Yet at the same time this support underlies a deep divide in his party, a divide between the leadership and the values they claim to hold.

To begin with, Biden is an odd choice for a party that lists diversity as one of their strengths. This goes far deeper than Biden simply being an old white man himself; rather, Biden’s most glaring failure here is his long history of opposing diversity.

In 1975 Biden was still a fierce supporter of segregation, despite the passage of the Civil Rights Act being more than 10 years old at that point and the landmark Brown vs. Board of Education decision being 20 years old. In an NPR interview, Biden claimed that desegregation would prevent communities from embracing “their own identity.”

While he has since softened his position on segregation, he remained a leading architect in a bipartisan effort to build the prison industry to what it is today through the 1980s and 90s and the subsequent criminalization of blackness that came with it. As recently as 2007 Biden called future President Obama the first “mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean.”

This is just a small part of the “record” that many of Biden’s supporters point to as the reason for their confidence in him. Frankly, while one could possibly say that this support comes from an ignorance of the realities of Biden’s record, I think the more likely possibility is that this record really does resonate with the centrist establishment of the party that finds itself at odds with the progressive values the party nominally adopts.

This division has manifested in ways large and small across the party on a number of issues. When pressed by young environmental activists to support green policies, Feinstein shouted them down and dismissed them, despite the party’s platform highlighting a supposed commitment to fighting climate change.

When advertising itself, the party often highlights representatives from marginalized groups, yet party elites certainly have no problems dismissing and silencing party members like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez or Ilhan Omar when they try to speak for themselves.

Despite three years of DCCC emails highlighting the need to “fight” or “impeach” President Trump when soliciting donations, Speaker Nancy Pelosi has put off any real attempts to pursue impeachment, choosing instead to urge caution and moderation in defense of the President.

Simply put, the party’s base is crying out for reform while the party’s establishment is prioritizing maintaining existing power structures. This means the Democratic Party is certainly more than willing to advertise itself as progressive, yet that scarcely seems to translate into real policy.

We can see this in Biden’s condescension towards the struggles of the working class and their opposition to the corporate aristocrats who manufacture those struggles. In an age where wealth inequality is at historic highs, Biden sees no issue with the billionaire class, going as far as to defend them claiming they are not the reason we are in trouble.

This is, of course, laughably wrong. When a pharmaceutical executive gets rich off of bankrupting folks who need lifesaving medicine, that “trouble” is caused by the billionaire. The same can be said of all manner of capitalists who make their fortunes on human misery. The issue is not whether or not they are good or bad people, the issue is that they are making a living off of the suffering of the oppressed and the oppressed rightfully demand an end to that.

This disconnect is embraced by Biden, who has recently claimed that working-class millennials have no right to compare today’s struggles to the struggles of the 1960s and 70s. It should be noted that in the 1960s and 70s, Joe Biden was a career politician from a wealthy family whose greatest struggle seemed to be against desegregation.

In embracing this divide on side of the rich and powerful, Biden has broken fundraising records with large money donations, receiving an average donation almost twice as large as the average given to the Bernie Sanders campaign. Yet this divide cannot be sustainable, and can only serve to alienate the party base that Biden condescends to. In a way, Biden embodies a deep sickness in the Democratic party, and to really and truly unify he must be overcome.

• External consultants’ report (Jody Shipper, J.D., and Cherie Scricca, Ed.D. of Grand River Solutions, Inc.)
• Retriever Courage Student Advisory Committee report
• Retriever Courage Faculty/Staff Advisory Committee report