I hear it all the time.

Whether it’s a friend who is struggling to lose weight or someone I overhear talking in line for coffee, there’s always a hint of desperation in his or her voice:

“I know what to do to lose weight, I just need to do it. I need to get more motivated.”

There is a grain of truth to this statement. If you can find the right source of motivation, you’d shock yourself with the things you could accomplish.

But if you’re even thinking this way in the first place, you probably already know how important it is to eat well and stay active. You are motivated.

In fact, you might even be motivated enough to sign up with a personal trainer, or pay a nutritionist to overhaul your diet.

So why is it still so hard to follow through on these commitments?

Often the problem is not your level of motivation, but a counterproductive mindset that undermines it.

When you think of building motivation, you probably think about rewards and punishments. Carrots and sticks. And when it comes to health, you might think that too many carrots (or carrot cake?) is exactly your problem.

The logical conclusion then, is that you need more discipline. This is why you’re inclined to pay someone to torture you in bootcamp. If you can’t force your own butt to go out in the cold and run stadiums at 6 a.m., maybe Meathead Mike can make you.

Ironically though, no one is as hard on you for your shortcomings as you are on yourself. When you hit snooze one too many times and miss your training appointment or come home late from work and heat up a frozen burrito for dinner, you’re the harshest judge. Mike will still get paid, after all.

As motivated as you are, events like these can be crushing. You blame yourself for the slip up. You question your motivation. You wonder if you have what it takes to be a healthy person, or if you’re doomed to kill yourself with your own bad habits. Maybe it’s in your genes to be lazy, and being healthy is impossible for you. Ugh.

What could be more demotivating?

A common misconception is that people who are able to create healthy habits have a tremendous amount of discipline. They are able to wake up early and go to the gym no matter how dark and cold it is outside. They are capable of torturing themselves indefinitely, and that trait somehow makes them better people.

This is a myth.

Psychology research has shown that people who are able to create healthy habits don’t have more discipline, they have more self-compassion.

Instead of beating themselves up for not being perfect every time, they instead ask how things could have gone differently. This takes them out of “I’m a lazy loser” mode and into problem-solving mode.

Instead of thinking, “I should have just dragged my tired butt out of bed and forced myself to go to the gym,” they think, “I was really tired today and it caused me to oversleep. I should try to get to bed earlier next time. Is that realistic?”

They don’t see the situation as a problem with themselves, they see it as a puzzle to be figured out. I call this a problem solving mindset.

The problem solving mindset is powerful because it takes emotions out of the equation and forces you to address the reality of the situation. Rather than judging yourself for being “lazy”––a very judgmental assessment––problem solving acknowledges that you were tired and asks, “Why?”

Maybe you didn’t get enough sleep or have too many demands on you at work. What can you do so that you can feel well-rested when you wake up in the morning?

You have self-compassion by acknowledging that oversleeping is a consequence of being tired, and that being tired is normal when you don’t get enough restful sleep. Oversleeping doesn’t make you lazy, it means you need to figure out how to give yourself the fuel and rest you need to function your best.

Instead of being harsh on yourself and performing worse under the pressure, you must take care of yourself so that you can perform better.

There’s no value in beating yourself up. If your best friend or child were struggling with a similar situation, would you just assume they’re hopeless and give up on them? Of course not. You would be kind, listen to their concerns, do your best to point out the positives and steer them toward the answer.

You must treat yourself with the same dignity. Not only do you deserve it, but it’s also actually the only way to solve your problem.

The healthiest people practice self-compassion when something they wanted to accomplish doesn’t go the way they hope. This gives them the mental clarity and emotional distance to adopt the problem solving mindset and have the best shot at getting it right the next time.

Author: Darya Rose, Ph.D, is the author of Foodist, and creator of Summer Tomato, one of TIME’s 50 Best Websites. 

Enjoy a hot mug of homemade mac n cheese...ready in minutes. Pair this recipe with your campus dietitians Mac N Cheese Makeover. You will never go back to the stuff in the box again!!

THE 5 WORST PICKS

1. Pastries Cinnamon rolls, packaged apple pies, and toaster pastries, these not-so-fresh, high-calorie baked goods are usually made with corn syrup and contain added preservatives to prolong shelf-life. These treats usually contain anywhere from 250 to more than 300 calories each and, much like a donut, won’t satiate your hunger for long.

2. Chips and crackers High in sodium and lacking real substance, snack crackers often contain trans fats in the form of hydrogenated oils. Chips, on the other hand, come in deceptively large servings and some are treated with BHA (Butylated Hydroxyanisole) and BHT (Butylated Hydroxytulene) to prevent spoiling, two controversial chemicals linked to cancer and hormone disruption.

3. Cookies They may satisfy your sweet tooth, but the bag of refined carbs and added sugars won’t do much to satisfy your stomach. Like pastries, packaged cookies also have added preservatives to increase shelf life. Additionally, most manufacturers have started swapping out hydrogenated oils (a.k.a. trans fats) for palm oil, an oil loaded with saturated fat, the production of which has been linked to major ecological issues including deforestation and habitat degradation.

4. Candy Sweet or sour, the candy in most vending machines are little more than concentrated sugar packed with artificial colors, flavors, and preservatives. Downing a bag of Skittles won’t ease your hunger, but will likely lead to a sugar crash, caused by a sharp spike and drop in blood sugar, which can lead to sluggishness and—you guessed it!—more sugar cravings.

5. Soft-drinks We all know they’re not good for us. Sipping on soft drinks, such as soda, sweetened teas, and sports drinks, instead of water adds up to a lot of excess sugar and empty calories—and will quickly pack on the pounds.

THE 5 BEST OPTIONS

1. Nuts Frequent nut consumption has been shown to have health-boosting benefits, including weight control and decreased risk of chronic diseases, including heart disease and Type 2 Diabetes. A portioned-size packet of almonds or peanuts will provide some healthy fats, protein, and fiber to keep you satiated. Opt for lightly-salted or unsalted varieties when available.

2. Trail mix For those of us who love a sweet and salty combination, a bag of trail mix is a much better option than chocolate covered pretzels. Look for varieties with unsalted nuts and dried fruit, which offer a boost of protein, fiber, and some vitamins and minerals, rather than mixes solely made up of cereal and sugary candy.

3. Granola bars Portion-sized and usually under 200 calories, most granola bars contain some form of whole grain, like oats or flax, and nuts, which you’re your snack a healthy hit of fiber and protein.

4. Popcorn Popcorn is a whole grain that packs fiber and antioxidants, and it can be a great low-calorie snack. Just steer clear of kettle corn, which is sweetened with sugar, and stick to air-popped and low-salt popcorn instead.

5. Water Disregard the sweet, sugary sodas at eye-level and make water your go-to way to hydrate when thirst strikes. Save soda for occasions when it can be savored, like dinners out or weekend barbecues.

Excerpt from HelloHealthy

Author: Elle Penner, M.P.H., R.D., is the Registered Dietitian and Food & Nutrition Editor at MyFitnesssPal,