The UMBC Office of the Vice President continued to deny this past week that the head of its office is, in fact, a goat, despite recent allegations which say otherwise.

The accusations began after Academic Affairs recent hiring of Vice President Harold Duncaster this March after the tragic death of former Vice President Daniel Lowenthal, who sadly was killed in a violent wool knitting accident last September. The hiring, initially lauded by the student body, was than mired in confusion following several attempts at background checks and failed public appearances by Duncaster. 

At the prompting of several members of the UMBC SGA and professors from the department of economics, the office of the vice president released only a brief statement. “Duncaster has taken leave to his West Virginia home due to a family emergency, he may be reached through the office for all necessary communications,” said assistant vice president Janice Wilkins. 

Attempted background investigations by The Retriever staff only yielded an unfinished LinkedIn page listing a Harold Duncaster at UMBC with a seemingly humorous goat headed profile picture. Public records also show no person named Harold Duncaster who lived in West Virginia or Maryland in the last 56 years, however livestock and game records list a Harold Duncaster from 2010 until three months ago. Additionally, upon calling the number listed at the page, editorial staff were connected to an American Goat corporation farm called Earl’s in rural West Virginia.

When asked about the goat farm, Academic Affairs member Sally Kuze said insistently, “Goats? Why are you interviewing me about goats? There are no goats at UMBC, we run a clean and orderly university… There are no goats at UMBC!”

After a second call to Earl’s goat farm asking for a Harold Duncaster, staff members were told he was “sold” recently to an anonymous buyer in Catonsville, Maryland. 

“Harold yeah,” said a man who would only identify himself as Earl. “Some guy in a suit bought the goat off me last month, wouldn’t tell me why.” When asked for clarification, however, on Harold’s goat-hood, Earl became increasingly angry and remarked, “I said he was a goat! Leave me alone!”

Further attempts for comment have been denied.

Though apparently on leave and potentially headed by an animal, the office of vice president for Academic Affairs is still keeping to work hours and everyday business. Recent visitors to their officers have reported several high pitched screams directed at staff and guests and have been reportedly seen person’s exiting with frayed, almost chewed, clothing and files. Interns passing through the office have reported an increased amount of thick, white, furry hair being shed in the halls, however no sightings of any person, or goat, named Harold Duncaster have occurred. Additionally, several high profile directives over the past few days have allocated funding for the UMBC department of wildlife and agriculture, a department which does not currently exist yet whose main expenditure seems to by grass and shrubbery sent to Duncaster’s office.

The office of the dean refused repeated requests for comment, eventually stating, “He’s not a goat! I don’t understand why you guys won’t get this! He just comes from a farm and is a bit unorthodox in his management and choice of food. He’s not a goat!”

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