Every politically charged event brings yet another email from President Hrabowski, whether it be President Trump’s 1000th update regarding his latest and greatest immigration ban, racist flyers, or Trump’s most recent outfit on Trump Montana: the newest show about our president’s quirky adventures while the United States screams “starring pain and suffering!”
President Hrabowski seems to tire of writing these lengthy emails, seemingly becoming increasingly pained in each one. “Please just leave me alone, ” he seems to declare with these emails, internally praying that one day, his soul dissipates to the underworld. In each email, UMBC must state their commitment to diversity and inclusion, reminding us that with every email, one UMBC squirrel dies from Chick-fil-A sauce poisoning and/or a geese attack.
“If you support diversity and inclusion, please just stop these emails,” a local squirrel commented before succumbing to his eventual death via Chick-fil-A sauce poisoning. UMBC will remember you, local squirrel. If individuals would like to come to his funeral, it will be next week during Late Night where happy residents will be receiving squirrel parts to eat instead of their beloved chicken tenders to commemorate his death. An email will be sent out to students regarding his death and the impact it has on the UMBC Community by the administration, similar to prior emails.”
“How did this squirrel’s death impact me? Good riddance. One time I got my Chick-fil-A sandwich stolen from me by it, so I’m not that mad that it died,” Algo Rithm, junior computer science major, commented. “Why do we have to get squirrel parts instead of chicken tenders? That’s disgusting. I’d rather eat my Chemistry 101 textbook. Oh wait. I already did trying to study for Dr. Carpenter’s exam. I guess I can eat squirrel parts,” Mito Chondria, freshman biology and regret double major, stated.
“The circumstances related to the executive order continue to be very fluid,” UMBC administration stated. “We’re also kind of hoping this stops so we don’t have to write another email about this. Why did Trump have to implement this stupid order? I don’t remember this many emails about the Obama Administration. It’s taking away from our lunch break time,” a disgruntled employee stated, continuing to eat his Chick-fil-A sandwich angrily.
“I’m just happy that people actually read these emails,” the ghost writer for the emails stated. “I use the powerful skills I obtained from my degree to write those emails. I love writing those emails! This may or may not be the only reason I’m employed,” she woefully said.
This article is sponsored by Chick-fil-A For Squirrels, healthy meals for squirrels! Buy two meals from The Deceiver and get one for free for your local UMBC squirrel that will most definitely steal your food anyway and replace it with Chipotle. Offer ends April 32, 2017 by 27:00 PM EST Central. Restrictions apply such as pregnancy, geese attacking you with their teeth, spring weather, a stroke during an exam, death via squirrel or UMBC food and more fun things.
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