Shrouded in mystery and a “pink pastel aura” (his words, not mine), Mr. Vladimir has brought about the self-described Golden Theatrical Age of the Legitimate Community TheatreTM. On Saturday, I sat down to talk to the hometown legend, learn more about his artistic process and uncover the real reason why he only goes only by his last name.
Can you walk me through a typical day in the theatre?
Of, of course! I wake up around six o’clock each day and eat my breakfast – one half grapefruit plus some chia seeds, for my figure, you know. I usually get to the theatre around eight or so and then I begin thinking about the show. I am the director of the Legitimate Community TheatreTM and like our name suggests we only do legitimate theatrical productions – you know, the stuff with many layers. Our pieces are the sweetest or most rancid onions; you must peel back the layers to reveal the truth about humanity – good and bad.
How does your thinking process work?
Well, I usually walk a few times around our space. I start at the box office and then walk all the way through our backstage area and wind up on the stage. I then do some vocal exercises – sobbing, yodeling, screaming into the void that is the audience space, stuff like that. It heals me. My cast usually comes in around ten and they join me. It’s a really freeing experience and you learn a lot about yourself. You know what? Scream with me.
What?
You heard me. Scream with me. Come up to the stage, that’s right. Scream!
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
JUST DO IT. If you don’t scream, then the unhappiness will never be released from your life and your aura will stay bleak and dismal. You’re fading, my dear. I can see it. Scream. You’ll turn a nice healthy color.
[We take turns screaming into the void].
Ah. Wasn’t that nice? Oh, look at you! Your aura is a nice turquoise color. It symbolizes serenity. You’re calm!
What color is your aura? Do you know?
Of course I know! Mine is pastel pink. It’s pulsing right now because I haven’t let go of all of my ambient energy. [He screams]. There we go, all better. Right as rain now.
Right… well, can I ask you why you only go by your last name?
Well, of course you can. No wrong questions here.
[There is silence]. Um, well, why do you go by your last name?
Wonderful question – so original! I thought you’d never ask. You know, all serious directors can be recognized by one part of their name. The greats, you know, Bell, Edison, Tesla –
Those are inventors though –
Yes and I am an inventor of the stage – don’t interrupt me. They can be recognized by their last name and therefore I should be recognized by my last name. I am great, you know.
Oh, yes, that’s why you’re in community theatre.
I’m just waiting for my big break. Broadway will call any day now, and you know what? I’ll be ready to answer. I have vision! Vision unlike anything Broadway has ever seen! I even have the aura for it. All great directors have pink auras. Edison had a pink aura, mhmm. It’s true. Oh, look at that. Your aura is disappearing again. Oh, it’s changing into, into red… my horoscope told me I need to watch out for red auras this week – you must go. Jenny! Take her away.
You can catch Mr. Vladimir screaming into the void any day around ten o’clock. Performances at the Legitimate Community TheatreTM are determined by the strength of Mr. Vladimir’s aura and are subject to change.
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