Pepsi, quite possibly the greatest invention of the 19th century, has been continually asphyxiated by mysterious forces which have been targeting the soda brand. This is an unfortunate theme around colleges everywhere. The switch from Pepsi to Coke has been occurring since the beginning of time despite Pepsi’s better quality and taste. Why is this happening? The students of UMBC deserve a legitimate answer. Humanity itself deserves an answer.

A completely legitimate study done by a statistical group that definitely exists revealed some interesting news. The Bul-ishite Group discovered that nearly 70 percent of incoming freshman primarily choose to attend UMBC for their one rare quality that distinguishes them from other campuses and that is Pepsi. The study also revealed that the remaining 30 percent were at least partially influenced by the presence of Pepsi but mostly came due to the amazing parking in which every student can find a space all day, every day.

Now, why would UMBC devastate its chances of ever having any more incoming freshman? There could be some nefarious reasons. Pepsi, the obviously superior soda compared to the increasingly corrupt Coca-Cola, is having its college existence threatened. More and more schools are making the switch, while the opposing student body is consistently being silenced by administrative red tape.

The Coi Nsane Group, a totally real research facility which operates completely for UMBC’s personal purposes, recently released a new study. This study was nearly lost due to Coke apologists desperately scrambling to hide the results. They were retrieved by an unnamed person who wished to stay anonymous due to obvious reasons concerning their own safety.

“Coca-Cola is shockingly using their soda to create an addictive substance and as a result, people cannot stop drinking it. This shocking development must be stopped and taken care of, any company which abuses the general population with addictive substances cannot be allowed to continue production!” said our anonymous source.

Another statistical study done by the Bul-ishite Group showed how 99.9 percent of all students on and off campus wanted Pepsi and were devastated by the switch to Coca-Cola. This demonstrates the administrative and legal red tape that has been laid out in order to rob the students of their Pepsi.

Many students had wished to protest this insane decision, but before they could complete their civic duty, the school forcibly spiked all the water fountains, drinks and vending machines with traces of Coke. This created a docile population of students who were extremely susceptible to suggestion.

Pepsi is a necessary part of the college experience, and without it, there is almost no point in attending a university or getting a degree. Without Pepsi, there is no meaning to this crazy journey we call life. “Bring back Pepsi!” is the rallying cry we should all stand behind.

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