There have been many rumors floating around about the new petting zoo to be constructed here at UMBC. Officials have recently released information about the top-secret project to build a massive petting zoo in place of where The Commons now stands. The Commons is planned to be demolished in late April, creating space to start the project.
The petting zoo project is hailed as a stress reliever. UMBC faculty and staff have recently noticed an increased level of stress and anxiety among UMBC students, especially around mid-terms and finals. One staff member reported seeing a student feeding on grass in front of the Public Policy building before his biochem exam.
Some students have suggested bringing puppies in to pet during exam times, but one staff member decided to take this idea a bit further. Late last year, an unnamed math professor has pitched the addition of a centrally-located petting zoo the size of The Commons to assist students in relieving some of their stress.
However, the major problem encountered during the planning process was the lack of space to build new facilities. To fix this issue, faculty and staff at UMBC have decided to demolish the largest non-academic building on campus – The Commons. “Why do we need the Commons when we have True Grits?” remarked Imma Lyer, a freshman Pig Latin major. “I for one am very excited for this new addition to our campus. I mean, who doesn’t love little barn animals?”
Idon Gohere, a sophomore Satter studies major, also gave us his opinion on the matter. “I used to own a goat, until my family ended up eating him.” After a long pause, he continued, attempting to hide his ugly sobs. “Maybe this petting zoo will help me deal with some of my repressed emotions.” Many the other students interviewed gave similar responses, but did not want their quotes to be featured here for fear of retaliation from The Commons staff.
Construction is said to be complete by the fall semester. One anonymous construction worker was kind enough to tell us a little more about the project. “Well, I can’t give too much away but I’ll let you know what I can. We are planning to construct a massive open cage, with five floors. Of course there will be a pathway for students to walk through in the middle and interact with the critters,” he said. “The first floor will be smaller animals – you know, bunnies, hamsters, lambs, etc. The second floor will be reptiles – lizards, snakes and such. I can’t tell you guys much more, or I’ll lose my job.” He chuckled as he grabbed his hardhat and left.
It should be quite interesting to see how this new addition will affect the atmosphere of campus. Perhaps UMBC’s bold action will inspire other universities to follow suit.
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