At UMBC, an ongoing deadly outbreak of Retriever Fever has led to mass panic within the student body and faculty. Researchers have noted that the strain of Retriever Fever this year may be notably more powerful due to celebration of the school’s 50th anniversary, and has an accelerated spread due to the resurgence of the men’s basketball team, earning a winning record for the first time since its 2008 season.

The current outbreak has led to the hospitalization of 11 UMBC students. Three of the students afflicted with the infection have passed away in the past month. As stated, the outbreak has been correlated to the success of the men’s basketball team and their surprisingly good record this season. The virus has noticeably been spreading slowly though since their early elimination from the America East Conference Tournament.

“It is paramount for student health that during the season, students keep from physical contact during the semester,” noted University Health Services facilitator Maher Bae-Saba. “While we should not have to worry due to the shyness of most Retriever students, we have to stress the importance of this with the infection present.’

In these difficult times for UMBC, it is important to reflect on the students lost to this outbreak of Retriever Fever. Stanni Udamami was a freshman business management major. He was a young hopeful with the men’s ultimate Frisbee team and it is thought he contracted Retriever Fever after going to the men’s basketball overtime win against the University of Massachusetts-Lowell, earlier in the season.

The student body also lost Student Events Board sophomore Deffrey Jahmer to this outbreak. Jahmer was a computer science major and beloved dearly by all his friends and family, except Cousin Lenny. It is assumed that Jahmer contracted the Retriever Fever by drinking from an infected water fountain in the Commons student org space right before spring break.

The family of the last student to perish to Retriever Fever, or as its colloquially known “grit’s spit”, asked his identity be remained anonymous following his passing. However, for confidentiality reasons it will be said that he contracted grit’s spit after watching a particularly good episode of “Yuri on Ice” during the Spring semester.

Lastly, there was senior Jane Doe who the UMBC community lost from the virus. Doe was a useless non-STEM major, who many saw as a waste of space. Whose funeral was attended by her only friend, an imaginary woman named Harold. When asked about her feelings on Doe’s passing, Harold responded “idc”.

Retriever Fever, though not a common illness, is an incredibly potent one and it is important to recognize the symptoms when they are present. The most common symptoms of Retriever Fever are an affinity for playing video games quietly indoors, an unnatural hatred of deceptively small cars in parking spots that make it appear no car is there when there is one, using Japanese phrases the host only learned through anime, and actually caring about the school’s athletic’s teams

UHS officials would like to remind UMBC students that it is important, while a health outbreak is going on, to respect other student’s space, to remain hygienic and for the love of all that is good and holy please stop standing so close to the person in front of you in line in the Commons. The issue is not even that it is so unhealthy, it is just kind of weird.

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