With the number of executive orders President Trump is signing, it is increasingly difficult to figure out which policies directly affect UMBC and its students. One such policy allowing supervillains to attack up-and-coming successful universities is slated to be passed on April 1.

This policy comes in response to the danger of widespread intelligence in the general population. Studies conducted in 2016 have shown that “high levels of knowledge” lead to “increased amount of violence, chaos and unhappiness” in individuals. The study states that learning could lead to high-intelligence-related comas and depression.  

Frighteningly, UMBC fits the target criteria the executive order has set forth. This includes motivated professors, academically-focused students and a healthy, nurturing environment for learning. Tutorial centers are said to be targeted first, followed by the library and individual classrooms.

Many UMBC students are in a state of panic, fearing that their academic careers might come to an end. “I just want to get a biomedical degree that I’ll never use because I really want to be an actor but my parents want me to be a doctor so I’ll drop out of med school to move to L.A. and be left with thousands of dollars in student debt,” said Chuck Hilfmir, a freshman biology major. “Is that too much to ask?”

At this point in time, the only thing students and staff can do is band together to seek out every superhero they know to protect UMBC. A research study conducted in 2014 found that there was a positive correlation between being a superhero and winning battles. This means that having superheroes on UMBC campus will possibly guarantee that UMBC survives the heinous acts that the supervillains will most definitely commit.

Supervillains from both Marvel and DC Comics are ecstatic about finally having something to do. “I’ve been so bored, carving smiles into Batman action figures,” said Joker, arch-nemesis to Batman, “Now I can finally listen to the voices in my head and do some real damage.”

Otto Octavius, a nemesis of Spider-Man, was also thrilled about the news. “I could do so much. I mean I have the power of the sun in the palm of my hand!” he stated when asked how much damage he can do to one university.

Their arch-rivals, Marvel and DC Comics superheroes, are less pleased with the policy. “I have to put on that that 100 percent spandex suit again?” said Superman. “It’s been so long – I don’t think I can even fit in it with this beer gut.” Despite his reluctance, Superman has become the first to agree to protect the university.

President Trump and his cabinet have been giving statements to explain the policy and its criteria since the executive order was signed. “True knowledge is amazing, but it is very, very dangerous,” Trump said during an interview, “And because it is such a dangerous muchacho, only I can have it because I know how to handle it.”

Despite the President’s comments, students are hopeful that UMBC will survive through these dark times. But this will not come easy, as many superheroes are choosing to protect younger and more popular universities, such as the University of California, Irvine. Students need to lead a united campaign to advertise UMBC as a school that deserves preservation, so that this beloved university is not destroyed forever by power hungry supervillains and their new overlord.

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