Every year, eager new students flock to UMBC. Fresh faced and full of wonder, these poor bamboozled souls are in for the scam of their lives. University of Maryland, Baltimore County is not a college but in fact an architecturally certified wind tunnel of destruction and despair.
On any given day, Academic Row is a hazardous peril that requires twenty minutes of physical preparations and thirty minutes of building up the mental will to embark to class. However, despite the brave souls that wander through the gusty abyss, the wind seems to emerge victorious.
“I thought I’d only have to worry about the squirrels at UMBC, but it’s actually the fucking wind. I can buy squirrel repellent but how the hell do you fight an element,” said soon-to-be transfer student Emma Wiley. “I watched my professor get blown away. I’m not being metaphorical. She was walking into the Physics Building, a gust of wind blew and she was gone. No one knows where she is and we haven’t had class in two weeks.”
Wind sacrifices are the leading cause of homework and freshman loss on campus with squirrel attacks at a close second.
Tanner Gingham, a freshman English major lost his roommate to the epidemic. “We were just walking to class together,” Gingham began, recounting the horrid day. “We were almost at The Commons, a gust of wind blew and the only thing left were his Yeezys. He’d want me to have them.”
There are some that seem to embrace the wind as just another friendly part of UMBC campus culture.
“At UMBC, we strive for excellence. We challenge our students. We make them think beyond the classroom and themselves,” said President Freewoman Huhbruhski, “The wind is what gave us that final push from Up-and-Coming to Most Innovative. It teaches our students perseverance and endurance in the face of challenges.”
However, the suffering ends now. No longer will we lose students to the gusty terror. The atrocities end here because there is a solution to the issue. There is an end to Retriever suffering and a solution to the problem.
Everything on campus must be bulldozed, burned and rebuilt on entirely flat ground.
“That sounds like the most absurd plan I’ve ever heard,” said Phillip Rootmyer, president of the Architecture club. “But then again I failed a class because my final project got sucked into a wind tunnel so fuck it, I’ll try anything.”
UMBC students, staff and faculty are rallying behind the plan, appropriately dubbed, “Make UMBC Flat Again.”
The motto, “Nothing can be left standing and from the ashes we will have a wind-free UMBC.” The proposed budget is tabled for discussion in 2026.
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