Dude, I get it. Cops are totally messed up and keep causing a ruckus nationwide, just like completely messing with black people and stuff. It’s pretty important or whatever, but it seems to somehow entirely overshadow the real social injustice of society: frat lives matter.
Okay, okay, I’ll admit, we’re not being killed. But UMBC is the type of campus that breeds a culture of hate towards us fraternity gentlemen. They take one look at my Sperries and scoff as if their New Balances are somehow superior. My dad didn’t go to law school for me to have to suffer like this.
I get all of my news from Total Frat Move. Mostly hot pics of girls and articles slamming stupid social justice warriors for being sensitive babies, but there’s no denying that there’s a serious bit of discrimination of UMBC’s campus. Reading about Greek Life at other schools has made me realize how deep this rabbit hole runs.
It’s all a conspiracy, just think about it. First they don’t let us have on-campus houses. Where am I supposed to get fucked up if not in the privacy of a luxury home? Not that it’s a huge deal, as I’m more likely to be turning up with my buds at Banditos with my $150 fake, but a campus house is a status symbol just like most of my possessions.
Instead they drive us off campus like rats, left to fend for ourselves, left having to throw empty cans of Genesee into my own backyard. Like, what is this, the 1950s? It’s a constant struggle at UMBC, a school that seems to care more about its chess club than my brothers.
Slap us with all the drinking violations you want, but at the end of the day, my brothers and I are all about philanthropy stuff. We do it for the charities. For those smiling babies in Yugoslavia and such. Think about the Himalayas, UMBC, and realize what we’ve done for the world.
Here’s my list of demands. For one, stop side-eyeing me for owning more pink polos than Kanye did back when Kanye was good. Two, stop asking me if I got hazed. I’m not going to tell you about the goat. Three, and this one’s a big one, for fuck’s sake quit trying to sit at my table in The Commons. It’s my fucking table you bigots.
You want to treat us poorly? Fine. At the end of the day, we’ll always rebound. I’ll find flasks to fit my booze in, I’ll find ways to harass pledges, I’ll find new places to party at. But you, UMBC, you won’t find anything like us again among your mess of god damn individuals.
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