At this point, we hope you’re aware of the ongoing feud between this venerable paper and the chicken tendies. You know, the chicken tendies sold at the Grille, The Commons dining location that we recently deemed “kind of a shithole.” We hope you didn’t think that was the end of our tendie coverage.

But this time, we’re not just bitching (nor are we moaning). We want to propose a solution: squirrel meat tendies.

It may be a bold idea, but it’s not unheard of. In many places, especially states in which roadkill is legally edible, a cut of squirrel meat can be a delicacy.

And, let’s not forget that UMBC has a thriving squirrel population. We’re pretty much a squirrel farm already. So, why not maximize our efficiency, and take advantage of a previously untapped resource?

We know that this might be a hard sell for some students. But hear us out: squirrel tendies would taste pretty much the same (after all, everything tastes like chicken). They’d be cheap and accessible, and they’d solve a rampant rodent problem. There’s not a single downside.

To put some of your fears to rest, we spoke to Mike Hunt, a member of UMBC’s dining team. “It’s a really feasible option,” Hunt said. “I, personally, always sat down for Thanksgiving dinner to a beautiful, juicy, roasted squirrel. I’d love it if students on campus could share in my childlike love for squirrel.”

“The tail is, without doubt, the best part,” said Hunt. “I’m not sure how processed you all would like the tendies to be. But if you could save me the tail, I’d really appreciate it.”

With Squirrel Tendies™, everyone’s winning. You can benefit from better dining options. UMBC Dining will benefit because we’ll stop printing mean things about them. Let’s not forget, though, that the campus can benefit architecturally. Rather than devote large sums of money to the new Retriever Event Center, we’d like to propose the construction of a meat processing plant.

It’s classic vertical integration. We already own the raw material, because we have so many squirrels just running around. We own the facilities that serve food. All we need to complete the chain is to control the means of production. So, if we build our own meat factory, we’ll be set to rake in the profits.

Construction of the REC is still in the beginning stages, so now is the perfect time to act. According to Dick Horn of Facilities Management, the REC’s design could easily be adapted for squirrel processing. “We’re not that committed to an events center,” said Horn. “A slaughterhouse and meatpacking plant would be just as good, and it would absolutely elevate the national reputation of our campus.”

So, next time you take a bite of a chicken tendie, think about a cute, fluffy little squirrel, with big adorable eyes. You won’t regret it.

The post #SquirrelifyOurTendies appeared first on The Retriever.