Compiled by the Retriever Weekly Features Staff

Virgo- Your new pen will turn out to be better for doodling than taking notes, which is fine because you don’t take notes anyway.

Libra- You’ll struggle with feelings of insignificance both in and out of your statistics class.

Scorpio- This week, you’ll watch your dreams go up in smoke when your RA tells you that can’t have a portable fire-pit in your dorm.

Sagittarius- It’ll be a game-changer this week when you realize that you are supposed to read Spanish from left to right, rather than the other way around.

Capricorn- A simple game of hide and seek will take a turn for the profound when you finally stop hiding and find yourself.

Aquarius- You’ll be horrified to realize that the ants are coming from inside your laptop.

Pisces- The hell-rift will be especially fragile this week. Turn up your headphones extra loud to prevent the demons from entering your brain-zone.

Aries- You and your prospective employer will both share a hearty laugh over your resume before he finally asks you to leave.

Taurus- You’ll take the weather personally this week, which is understandable given the group of physicists dedicated to ruining your life with their confounded weather machine.

Gemini- You’ll be hopelessly confused when the carnivorous plant you are supposed to raise for your botany class turns out to be both vegan and gluten-sensitive.

Cancer- If you thought getting hit by a foul ball in the middle of your chemistry lab last week was strange, just wait to see what flies through the window this week.

Leo- You’ll experience great pride when you find out that you’re the case of bee sting-induced anaphylactic shock this spring.

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