UMBC = U Might Become Crazy … Crazy successful that is.

This week, we decided to interview a local businessman and former UMBC Chess team All-american.  

TRW: What is your name, your major and your year?

RM: Name is Rikkki Malibu — that’s one I, three K’s. I majored in taxidermy. I graduated magnet clouda lordy, ‘82, and made two final four appearances in the Chess Championships.

TRW: Where are you from?

RM: Don’t know. I came to one day, buck-naked in a vat of mud behind a pig farm. At the time, I didn’t know they were pigs, and so I made them my family.

TRW: You were raised by pigs?

RM: I was raised by humans, but pigs are my family. My current lover is a pig.

TRW: I’m sorry?

RM: Yea, when I get off from the job, I always get a kick out of the look on my co-worker’s face when I say I’m going home to pork my lover. It just means I’m going home to give her a bath. (laughter) It’s funny ‘cuz they think I’m talkin’ bout goin to fu-

TRW: What did you like most about UMBC?

RM: I liked how y’all painted them stuffed dogs those wacky colors, and put ‘em up around campus. Really speaks to me. You know, if y’all need some more, I can cut you a deal on some fresh canine, already stuffed.

TRW: No, I think we are set. Do you still participate in activities in or around campus here?

RM: Well I’m usually busy with work, but when I get free time I try to make it to the chess team events. I also enjoy watching the kids play.

TRW: It’s funny you that describe them as kids, but I guess it has been a while since you’ve left. Which kids? The baseball kids? The soccer kids?

RM: Oh right right, the kids at the daycare center.

TRW: …

RM: …

TRW: What is your favorite genre of television?

RM: Infomercials. I always say “If I’m sitting, that don’t mean I can’t be learnin’.” I enjoy the ones where they take that orange and smash it and gets all the juices out. I could watch oranges being smashed for juice for days. I did one time. Two days. The only thing I think I can do better than stuff a squirrel is juice an orange.

TRW: Ok, um, what are your favorite things to do outside of UMBC?

RM: Well, like I said, work is life, so I’m always looking for a fresh stuff. Good thing the taxidermy business is a boomin’. I don’t think you understand, the market out here is crazy. People want their dogs, cats, goats, yaks, yik-yaks (laughter) – see, I’m still hip – llamas, goats and pigs all stuffed. I’ve put my hand up so much animal-

TRW: Isn’t that a conflict of interest? Stuffing pigs?

RM: No, in fact, it’s the opposite. If it’s dead, the only real way to honor it is to keep it around. I truly think this idea will soon make its way into the human mind. And I will be ready to corner that market. I’ve got a few bodies still in great condition that I’ve applied my craft to already if you’d like to see them.

TRW: No, Mr. Malibu. Do you have any other career goals or aspirations?

RM: Well I’ve also put my hand in the wholesales food business. I’ve got loads of all types of great meat that I don’t always get around to stuffing. I’ve got squirrels — so many squirrels thanks to you guys — I’ve got vulture, city rat, hamster, mouse … you name it, I’ve probably got it. Especially if “it” is domestic. In fact, after I get done here I’m going to make a delivery real close by to a regular customer of mine.

TRW: Where?

RM: True Grit’s.

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