Transition will solve parking problems once and for all, but introduce new problems

In a surprise move, UMBC is joining the ranks of the nation’s top online universities in order to provide a competitive education, at a distance.

UMBC spokesperson Dana “Da Beast” Jones announced on Monday that all school programs will be transitioning to digital platforms as soon as the summer 2015 session begins.

“UMBC has long been an up and coming leader in the field of student education. By implementing tested and infallible technology, we expect to improve student outcomes across the board. Or should I say Blackboard. HAHAHA,” said Jones.

The change is expected to bring numerous benefits, including enhanced virtual learning, enhanced virtual communication and enhanced virtual procrastination.

As part of the plan, half of all classroom facilities will be converted into Mountain Dew repositories in order to fuel students’ virtual academic pursuits.

“Research has consistently shown that high doses of Mountain Dew, in conjunction with prolonged LED exposure, increases student performance in virtual settings,” said Jones.

“I’m actually OK with that part,” said Lenore Simone, a student majoring in computer science and medieval literature.

The remaining facilities, including parking lots and athletic fields, will be repurposed into virtual-roaming-learning-spaces. Students who prefer in-class education will be able to rent motion-sensitive virtual reality technology in order to simulate the experience of going to class.

Student athletes are understandably concerned over the changes, but Jones was quick to reassure.

“We are sensitive to all student needs, especially those of our athletes,” she said. “To this end, the upper fitness studio will be completely dedicated to club sports on Wednesday evenings and every other Friday morning. Varsity sports will have the entirety of the RAC weight room available as a practice space. Of course, both groups will be to be conscientious of our roaming learning-students and server hardware.”

Jones also pointed out that with the change the administrative branch of the university will be able to administrate, virtually.

“All existing paper records will be moved to the box,” said Jones.

When asked about the limitations of cloud technology, Jones look briefly puzzled.

“Oh! No, not ‘Box.’ The box. It’s what we call the construction dumpster by Fine Arts where we toss transfer student records and old hiring information,” said Jones with a chuckle.

According to beta testers, the change has not been painless. Some students, such as freshmen medieval artillery major Meg Winny, have experienced trouble finding an open server.

“This is ridiculous. I log on an hour before my class starts and I still can’t find one,” said Winny.

Other students have run into problems with the roaming learning spaces.

“We have had a few students wander up the ramp to I-195. In one case, the resulting accident almost completely destroyed the VR headset,” said Tim Hanson, director of the new program. “Luckily the headset was salvageable.”

Jones also reassured concerns about the cumulative effects of these changes. “It’ll probably be OK,” she said. “I mean, prospective students certainly have nothing to fear from the transition.”

Further questioning was interrupted when a virtual-roaming-learning student stumbled onto the stage and knocked over the podium.

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