Competitive parkers practice for the tournament

UMBC’s parking team has begun their practice sessions for the season. The competition, in which drivers are judged on their ability to park, is fierce.

It’s all quiet at the finish line. It’s starting to warm up, but the small crowd of spectators is huddled around a small fire, where they’re grilling hot dogs. There are about 15 people, a big group for one of the early practices of the season. These dedicated few are cold and wet, but ready for action.

One of them drops his hot dog and perks up, pointing his ear up the hill. He’s wearing a beer hat with no beer in it. The faint whine of turbocharged engines echoes off the crumbling pavement, and everything goes silent except for the barbeque grill. As the engines grow louder and closer, the excitement builds. Someone pulls out a foam finger.

The first driver comes around the sweeping curve of Hilltop Circle. He’s going a reckless 26 miles per hour. As the rusty green Toyota roars down the hill, the crowd cheers. The driver pulls into a spot, pulls the parking brake with a click, steps out of his car and kisses the ground. He’s victorious — but this is just training.

Today’s winner is junior turf management major Dick Hooter. It’s his first year competing with the UMBC parking team, but he’s jumped right in as one of the strongest drivers.

In its tenth year on campus, the Retriever Parkers have attracted almost a dozen interested students. Each year, starting in the spring sports season, the team holds what they call “parking races.”

“We all start at the same house in Jessup,” said Hooter, “and whoever gets to school first and finds a parking spot takes home the trophy.”

A glance at the team’s textbook-sized rulebook reveals that it’s not quite so simple. Everything from gas mileage, time, respect of the speed limit and proximity of the parking space to the University Center affects a driver’s score. At the core of campus, the University Center is hardest to park near, presenting an exciting challenge for our competitors.

“One year, I got lucky,” said senior astrology student Sherman Hall. “The entryway to admin road was open and I pulled up right behind the UC. The judges weren’t too happy, but I’m kind of a bad boy,” he said, as he tried to sit on his front bumper and missed entirely.

“That year was a great year. I had the JDM ultralight parking brake,” said Hall. “Strongest brake cable around. Really helped my times when I was pulling in.”

This season promises to be just as exciting. With new competitors, new cars and new construction obstacles on campus, the Retriever Parkers have their work cut out for them. To the rest of the community, they just have a few simple words, which they each emblazon on a bumper sticker: “watch where you park your ass.”

Photo: James Gallagher

Read more stories from: The Retriever Weekly