Compiled by the Retriever Weekly Features Staff

Virgo- Not only will you get stuck with the squeakiest chair in the room, but, as you will find out, it is also the least stable.

Libra- Don’t be afraid to stir the pot a little bit this week. You do want your pasta to cook evenly after all.

Scorpio- This week will be overwhelmingly positive, which is good because next week… not so much.

Sagittarius-The icy draft coming from beneath your window will make you feel much closer to nature and also very ill.

Capricorn- You won’t be able to stop thinking about that black box you pulled out of the pond scum by the library. It calls to you in your dreams. Why do you keep doing this to yourself?

Aquarius- Your psychology professor will surprise the class by giving each student a real human brain. The mad glint in his eye suggests that you shouldn’t ask questions.

Pisces- Word to the wise: wear goggles while clipping your toenails this week. You vision still hasn’t completely recovered from last time.

Aries- People will laugh at you for wearing shorts in the snow, but when the Fire Giants finally break through the interdimensional rift and bathe the world in cleansing flames, who will be laughing then?

Taurus- This week you’ll run into problems with your new note-taking system when the person whom you get all your notes from misses class.

Gemini- Yes, breakups are hard, but you still have an entire bag of Pizza Rolls back in your room, and isn’t that what really matters?

Cancer- Years of sarcasm will finally take their toll when you forget how to communicate normally. Big deal though, right?

Leo- This week you’ll arrive early to class. (Well, not your class, but the one that’s right after.)