Compiled by the Retriever Weekly Features Staff

Virgo- Your new mattress pad is a big improvement. Unfortunately, it will do nothing to help with the nightmares.

Libra- The future is looking especially bright for your horrible social anxiety.

Scorpio- You’ll be pleasantly surprised by the amount of pictures in your textbooks this year.

Sagittarius- You get the feeling that you and your new roommate will get along this semester, but you can’t help feeling a little uneasy about the winky face at the end of every text.

Capricorn- The winter break has allowed you to escape the taint of the occult that nearly destroyed you last semester. But for how long?

Aquarius- The start of a semester is the perfect opportunity for you to reinvent yourself. Consider a face tattoo.

Pisces- Project confidence to your new acquaintances by referring to yourself only in third-person.

Aries- You’ll feel disoriented and a little nauseous this week, but that’s normal after time travel. Welcome to the future, pilgrim.

Taurus- You’ll never have to deal with the frustration of parking again after your car is stolen.

Gemini- The hottie who sits next to you will be enough motivation to get yourself to class, but not enough for you to actually pass.

Cancer- Your new roommate is a moaner. Enjoy that.
Leo- The last owner of your anatomy textbook was a skilled artist, but their obsession with one organ in particular will be both distracting and a little unnerving.