Ambiguity Road

Tue, 24 Sep 2013 10:30:00 -0400
careers, craigs-personal-stories

by Craig Berger

"Alright, thank you for your time," I said. I quickly hung up, wanting the call to end as soon as possible. After yet another university's dismissal from a search process, I had no options left. At that point my job search had no forward momentum whatsoever.

As I sat in my parents' living room that summer evening two years ago, I was completely perplexed. Was I doing something wrong? If so, what? I had no idea what my future looked like.
And more troubling to me was the public nature of it all--the struggle was not only "real," but visible. I was a grown man, living with my parents, staying in touch with newly-employed friends, and constantly scouring the job market for new opportunities. Thinking about how others--including my family, friends, and mentors--perceived my joblessness was, at times, paralyzing. Were they secretly attributing my lack of success to not working hard enough? Did they think I was being too picky? If I did stumble upon a search process I could successfully navigate, did I accept the offer--even if the job was mediocre at best? And if I didn't, would my support system disapprove of my decision-making? I marinated in my self-doubt for several weeks, watching "Golden Girls" and "The Price is Right," and reading.

It took a while (several months, in fact), but I eventually recognized that while it was a mess, it was my mess. While I could have tried to hide from it, pretended it wasn't happening, or saved face and not discuss my struggle with others, the stress wasn't going to disappear. I swallowed the shame I was feeling and started to reach out to my professional contacts, requesting that any opportunities they encounter be passed along to me. I started a blog, knowing that as an introvert who best communicates via writing, I could embrace the struggle publicly and hopefully better understand the situation in which I found myself and how I was handling it. I even embraced being in the very place in which I grew up, sorting through personal artifacts and thinking about who I was, the experiences unique to my life, and what I offered an institution.

And based on this knowledge, I also thought about what I might want in a new professional setting. The most important criterion I established was that I wanted to work in an office and at an institution that expected me to "be real" each day, both with colleagues and students. I wanted to be able to learn from my and others' actual lived experiences as opposed to compartmentalizing my time spent working with students from who I "really" am away from campus. After all, the key realization I discovered in navigating this ambiguous process was that this messy job search was the real world for me. I recognized that life isn't about moving from accomplishment to accomplishment, trumpeting only those moments of joy and excitement and hiding that which challenges us or makes us vulnerable.

When I ended my job search at UMBC two years ago this month, I was reminded that accomplishments are made that much more joyful and meaningful when they're built on ground fertilized by our mistakes and challenges. I come to work each day thankful that I get to be me, and that the standard for success by which I am measured is 1.) how effectively I am able to draw upon my experiences and passions in my work with colleagues and students, and 2.) how well I can learn from others'.

Based on what you know about yourself now, what do you want to find in a job? Feel free to share in the comments below.

Co-Create UMBC is a blog for and about UMBC, written by David Hoffman and Craig Berger from the Office of Student Life. Join the Co-Create UMBC group on MyUMBC. Like Co-Create UMBC on Facebook. And follow David and Craig on Twitter.