This is a blog post written by student staff member, Carrie Cleveland.

This post is reflective of my own journey in trying to embrace who I am while trying to work on improving my overall health.  I chose to write about what I am doing because it is an important part of who I am right now. Everyone has their own path, this just happens to be mine.

So I joined a gym. Not just a regular gym with a bunch of treadmills and elliptical machines. I joined  Conquest Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and MMA gym. I mean, what middle aged, overweight woman decides that this is the way that she’s going to lose weight?  At least, I didn’t think it would be my personal path. But, it went something like this…

I saw a post on Facebook for a weight loss challenge that said that for $100 I’d receive 10 weeks of classes and nutritional coaching. There are classes specifically for women called Fight Fit. They are like Crossfit mixed with some punches and kicking. I also get access to their yoga classes.  I love me some yoga!  I thought “what the hell?!” and I signed up.

It took my ENTIRE being to not make that same face as the woman in green!

The first day that I walked in to the gym, I was measured and my weight was taken. I knew the woman who was doing this for me, and when I stepped up on the scale, I cried. I was so upset with myself that my weight was as high as it was. I immediately felt a sense of shame, but I did not want to let that shame stop me from taking the next step on this journey.

Photographic evidence of my first Fight Fit class

After the traumatic weigh in, I walked in and started my class. Everyone looked super fit and healthy and in shape. I mean, professional MMA fighters train at this gym. Come on! I definitely thought my fat ass did not belong there (this warrants an entire post on its own but this blog sort of sums it up) but I got through that first workout with some modifications. I was surprised though that all these people that I just met were amazingly supportive. I think I had a preconceived idea that everyone would be super judgy and think I did not belong. The instructors all were willing to meet me where I am at and help me modify some things so I could get through the workouts.  I was not expecting the huge levels of support I would receive from all of them and truly, it is priceless.

The next day I woke up and could barely move. My entire body hurt. Every muscle was sore. By the end of that day I basically crawled into bed and just curled up in a ball because I felt like I could no longer function. Then Monday came and I did something I thought I would not do.

I went back.

I took another class, and I was so surprised because it was hard and the workout SUCKED, but I did it. I got through it and I was so proud of myself. The other women in the class were cheering me on and encouraging me. I mean who does not want that?!?!

Repeat like 1000 times

For the past five weeks I have gone to classes almost regularly. I have made modifications to my diet like eliminating sugar and alcohol, and it is making a difference. I have noticed small changes in myself and I am shocked. My pants are looser. I am less sore after a workout. My wedding rings fit again after what feels like forever. Today, one of my friends stopped me and told me I looked good.  It was such a great affirmation of my hard work and even though I know my value is not determined in how I look or how much I weigh, I do appreciate someone noticing that I am working on me.

I have five weeks to go and I think I have a real chance of winning the challenge. After these first few weeks though I realize it is not about the potential prize at the end, it is about me. Many women, myself included, spend so much time taking care of other people that we put ourselves last on our own list. I am so guilty of this and I need to do better. I need to make myself a priority and that is what I am doing right now. I stepped out of my little box of fear and I tried something new. When I did that I found a gym that met me where I am at and embraced the person I am.  The trainers, yoga instructor, and the other students have been nothing but encouraging and helpful.

Daniel recently wrote this blog about how important it is that we treat ourselves with love. His words ring so true to my own journey in valuing myself and my body.  Although our paths are different, I believe our destinations are similar.  We just want to feel good about the body we are in. This is very reflective of what the body positivity movement is trying to teach all people. I am a work in progress but I feel good for the first time in a long time about who I am TODAY and who I can be TOMORROW.

UMBC’s Take Back The Night took place this past Thursday, April 14th. It was a very powerful evening, featuring a survivor speak-out, a march against sexual violence, and recuperating  with craftivism and community resources!

Couldn’t make it? Check out this recap from the evening!

The night began with an introduction by the emmcees and march leaders, Kayla  and Sarah.

A bird’s eye view captured from The Commons second floor. 

The floor was then opened to survivors to come forward and share their stories. Women’s Center student staff member, MJ poignantly pointed out the moments of silence between stories.

After a few minutes of silent reflection,  many people came forward to share. Every person who came up to the mic showed incredible bravery and helped empassion the audience to break the silence around sexual violence.

A huge crowd gathered to support survivors

A major takeaway from the night

Next came the march around campus! At this point in the night, the everyone gathered together to directly disrupt rape culture and call out sexual violence. We began the march from the Main Street, walked towards True Grits, through Academic Row, and back towards The Commons through The Quad.

The march Passes the Physics building

A beautiful shot of the march in front of the Library

1,2,3,4 WE WON’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

Headed towards Academic Row

The night concluded in a craftivism session. People sat down to create Monument Quilt squares, “Dear Survivor” scrapbook pages, and survivors created t-Shirts for the Clothesline Project. People came together to create while listening to some empowering tunes and snacking on cookies.

Reflection and Action. 

Take Back The Night 2016 was a huge success! Thank you to all of the volunteers and UMBC staff members who helped make this event run smoothly and thank you to all who came out to support survivors and fight against sexual violence!

To all UMBC survivors of sexual violence –
We see you. We believe you. It is not your fault. You are not alone. 

The Women’s center staff thanks everyone for TBTN 2016!

Just a reminder for those who might not have been able to attend, there are many resources available to you, both on and off campus.

Voices Against Violence

Women’s Center at UMBC

UMBC Counseling Center

Title IX and UMBC’s Interim Policy on Prohibited Sexual Misconduct and Other Related Misconduct 

A reflection by Shira Devorah, Women’s Center Student Staff 

Going to the doctor is never fun; most people dread pesky checkups getting in the way of their day. While medical appointments can feel like a nuisance to some, for many people in the LGBTQ community, just seeing a doctor can be dangerous.

Saying that structural health inequity in the U.S. is a problem is an understatement, as many people face huge barriers when it comes to receiving adequate care. Women, people of color, people with lower socioeconomic statuses, fat people, elderly people — the list goes on and people continue to suffer. While I’m specifically highlighting a few of the issues surrounding queer care, it’s important for people to know that this is just one flawed aspect of a flawed system. To fight for justice, we must demand competent care for all people.

So before we all go kicking down the doors of the nearest hospital, let’s discuss what the issues actually are. Why is it so difficult for queer people to get the medical help that all people deserve?

Here are just a few reasons:

1) There’s a large element of risk that queer people must face when it comes to taking care of our health.

Stigma, discrimination, violence, and even denial of care are all real issues that can dissuade people from seeking help in the first place. According to Lambda Legal’s 2010 survey, over half of LGBTQ respondents felt discriminated against when receiving care. Getting to receive care at all, let alone good care, can be very difficult for queer individuals who have poor access to health care. There are huge health discrepancies in LGBTQ populations, especially for older people and transgender individuals. 

Credit: Maureen McNabb, wordpress

As a queer person who usually isn’t read as queer, I’m very lucky that I haven’t had to fear going to the doctor (besides a healthy fear of getting shots). Here’s why:

• I’m a lazy femme, so I don’t get the strange looks from doctors assessing every inch of me that gender nonconforming individuals might get.
• If the doctor asks about my sexual history, I may blush, but being a bisexual cis woman in a monogamous relationship with a cis man means that the kind of sex I would be discussing wouldn’t be considered outside the bounds of heterosexuality.
• I haven’t had reason to fear outing myself through discussing my experiences.
• If I have a problem with my genitals, I only have to worry about the coldness of the speculum, not that my gender identity is being questioned or invalidated.

These are just some reasons why going to the doctors is so difficult for many people who do not have this privilege.

Credit: Philadelphia Lesbian Virtual Magazine

2) There’s a huge gap in medical knowledge, especially for queer people and women.

No matter how nice or accepting a medical professional is, they may not always  know how to treat a queer person. Medical schools in the U.S. spend so little time on LGBTQ-related content. Often times, medical students are taught that sexual behaviors of LGBTQ people are risky, which perpetrates the narrative that gay people are ‘diseased’. Doctors aren’t free of biases and such misunderstanding can get in the way of someone getting adequate care.

Many doctors have very limited experiences with transgender issues. Insurance companies will refuse to sign off on HRT or surgeries that some trans people really need. On the flip side, the medicalization of transgender identities suggests that all trans people have to have surgery to be considered more “legitimate,” which is not possible nor desired for many trans people.

Credit: “When Healthcare Isn’t Caring” Lambda Legal 2010 Report

3) Gender and sexuality are areas in which medicine can be negligent.

A lack of medical knowledge surrounding certain populations is a problem, and not just for queer people. Did you know that there is a huge gender gap in medical research and clinical trials? Medical research is lacking valuable data on women’s issues.  We don’t even know for sure what a heart attack looks like for a woman because of countless misconceptions. This gap in knowledge, coupled with gender biases, seriously affects medication, care, and diagnoses that women receive.

credit: Transgender Law Center

When gender and sexuality collide (as they often do in most humans), things get complicated. Aspects of personal identity intersect, creating an even bigger gap in medical knowledge. Medicine has historically failed queer people, and a lot of effort is required to improve care for the future.

Okay. Deep breaths all around. This is some heavy stuff.

Luckily, there are also a lot of options where LGBTQ healthcare is pretty amazing. There is a substantial list of resources at the end of this post, so check them out! Good options do exist, even though access to these options may be limited for many.

Students here at UMBC have pretty accommodating facilities. University Health Services has a very dedicated and helpful staff of professionals who are trained to work with all kinds of student populations. Almost the entire medical staff is made up of women, and personally I’ve found the practitioners to be gentle and attentive. UHS is consistently making an effort to improve, and while it is by no means a perfectly accessible center, attempts are being made.

Our medical space on campus may be generally positive, but we also have to be aware doesn’t change the negative experiences that many people can face elsewhere. Some may be too scared of going to UHS because of past trauma or maltreatment. Even though UHS is a great resource, the training and education for all medical practitioners is still lacking, and it’s possible to come into a campus medical center without being fully prepared to treat all kinds of people.

In Peer Health Education, the  inclusiveness of LGBTQ issues is lacking, especially when it comes to discussions of sexual health. A big initiative that the sexual health committee is undertaking now is to revamp the current programs to be more inclusive to people of all sexualities and gender identities. Recently, I created a survey in order to assess how LGBTQ people feel about sexual health education on campus. I’m hoping that this will foster a productive discussion with other queer UMBC community members so that we can work together to make important changes to the  health education curriculum. While this is in no way a quick fix the huge problem of LGBTQ health disparities, it’s always good to think globally and act locally.

HAART poster, discussing how stigma against people with HIV can be incredibly damaging.

Everyone has the right to be treated respectfully and competently when accessing health care. Even though my experiences with doctors have been generally positive, I can’t say the same for many other queer people. What I can do is speak up about the problems that I know exist, and do my best to contribute to change. As a peer, as a queer, and as a person devoted to justice, I want to use my privilege and opportunities to work towards a better system. I just hope that one day the only thing people have to fear when walking into a doctor’s office is as simple as a shot.

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Check out these great resources!

• Chase Brexton Health Care has locations all around Maryland, with a main branch in Baltimore. This clinic has a health center that specializes in the specific medical needs of LGBTQ people.
•  GLMA has a provider directory that can  help guide people to LGBTQ competent doctors and services, including psychologists and counselors who specialize in LGBTQ mental health.
• The National LGBT Health Education Center at Fenway Institute has a continuing education program designed to educate medical professionals on how to address the needs of LGBTQ individuals. The American medical association has this comprehensive
• LGBTQ resource list  full of helpful information- from patient resources to statistics and studies done on disparities in LGBTQ care.
• Do you identify as LGBTQIA? Come to a roundtable discussion about LGBTQIA+ issues in health education on April 20th from 4:30-5:30pm at the Women’s Center, and help Peer Health Educators make more inclusive changes to health education on campus.

A Women’s Center blog post by staff member Daniel Willey 

Note: I hope what I’ve learned can be applicable to other people, but I know my experience isn’t universal. I use a lot of action verbs in my post, but I don’t intend to make assumptions about what a body can do. I encourage readers to challenge their ideas of how one might “feel” and “wiggle” and “tend” and “look” and “know” in different ways, and how you as an individual do these things in a way that is unique to you and your body.

This is a twelve-step program designed to teach you how to be tender to yourself.

1. Have a Major Body Event.

Have surgery. Be or become disabled. Learn to use new assistive technology. Get fitted for a prosthetic. Gain weight. Lose weight. Start a health challenge. Buy new clothes. Get new hair. Have a child. Age.

2. Lose your body.

What is your body? What does your body mean now? What did it mean before? Is it different? How is it different? Why? Is this still you? Where are you?

3. Recognize your new body.

This is your body. Look at it. What do you see? Locate yourself. Are you in your thighs? Are you in your shoulders? Where are you? You are here.

4. Know that this will be hard.

How does your body challenge you? What about your body makes it hard to be tender? Hold these things in your hands and know this will be hard. Take a deep breath.

5. Begin to unlearn.

“To be alive in this world at all: indeed to be queer, a person of color, a person with a disability, trans, a woman or poor, is to have self-hatred non-consensually woven into your education in personhood before you’re even aware the air you are breathing.” –Lila (for Autostraddle)

“Your education in personhood” is fraught. What has the world taught you about your body? Why? Where did you learn these things?

6. Begin your affirmations.

“All bodies are good bodies.” What can your body do? What can your body not do? What does your body do differently? Your body is a good body. Revel in this.

7. Allow yourself to be angry (upset, frustrated, sad).

Let the heat fill you up from your toes and let it tingle on your skin. Draw out all the ill feelings and let them swim in your anger (sadness, frustration). Know these feelings. Take a deep breath and push them out of your lungs and your eyes and your nose and your fingers and your knees and the top of your head. Acknowledge them as they leave.

8. Fill the empty spaces.

Where did your ill feelings live? What do their empty homes look like? Tuck forgiveness in your belly. Fill your back with strength. Dab pride behind your ears.

9. Know that this will be hard.

“Your education in personhood” is woven into your roots and your ill feelings have grown roots too. It will take time to make them leave. Some never will.

10. Tend ill feeling weeds.

Get to know your weeds. If you can’t make them leave, learn where their roots go. What do the weeds look like? How do they smell? Are you irritated by thorns or stray root hairs? Soothe with aloe. Remind your weeds: “You are a visitor here. I own my body.” Accept your weeds. Know they are with you but they are not you. Accept your weeds. Be tender where they grow.

11. Touch your body.

Feel how soft your earlobes are. Delight in the bumps and the lumps and the humps. Wiggle your toes if you can. Stretch and feel your body expand. Take up space! Oh it feels good to be a body! Drink cool water on a hot day. Take a hot shower on a cold morning. Revel in sensation.

12. Repeat.

Your body will change over and over again. Excite in this. Know it will be hard every time. Know it can get easier. Take someone with you next time. Be a good body with another good body. Find joy in exuding love outward and pouring love inward. Know love does not mean always loving, always delighting. Know love means patience. Love is sometimes found a little deeper than you would like. Your body is a good body. Revel in this.

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13. Know that everything in your life will work against you on this journey.

via robot-hugs.com.com/under-2

I recently had top surgery….

….it was really hard to make myself rest. Don’t let this photo fool you. I was full of pain meds at the time.

These twelve steps take a lot of energy. As students, workers, homemakers, parents living in a world that praises us for pushing ourselves to the limit, setting aside time and energy to care for ourselves can be a radical act. We talk about self-care and self-love all the time in the Women’s Center and as feminists because prioritizing oneself requires so much unlearning.

Mothers are expected to be Super Mom — PTA, soccer, bake sale, appointments, dinner, laundry, carpool, work, school — and be totally selfless about it. Women who set aside time to take care of themselves are “high maintenance.” Companies like Dove use self-love and body positivity to market their products while profiting from self-hate by selling skin-whitening products. Even much of the body positivity movement expects you to love yourself all the time as if you haven’t been born into a society that feeds off your insecurity.

As a student at UMBC, I am having to make the difficult decision between keeping a pretty big scholarship and maintaining my mental and physical health. It’s taken me a year to get to this point, but I’m finally choosing myself. So many people have suggested I “just try harder” and “quit everything but school,” but very few have acknowledged the strength it takes to say “I matter. My health and wellbeing are my priority.”

Though UMBC resources like the Counseling Center, UMBC NAMI, UHS, and Retriever Wellness take steps to help students manage stress and mental health, there’s still much to be done. Academic rigor and attitudes about academic success can create a toxic climate for students and often our resources are funneled into praising students who do well rather than helping and uplifting students who need help.

Even as feminists who firmly believe in treating ourselves, it can be so hard to say “no” when it feels like you’re the only one who will say “yes.” Burnout is a big issue in social justice work not only because it is so emotionally taxing, but also because we who do the work feel like we need to be doing all the work all the time. This comic does a great job of talking about how we as activists can better manage our projects and priorities.

It’s also important to remember that self-care can be a privilege. Single mothers, Black folks, people on welfare or food stamps, and many others are expected to not engage in self-care or self-love as if doing so is a sign of incompetence or laziness. It is becoming increasingly more clear the traumatic effect racism has on people of color in the U.S. and it’s statistically proven that people in poverty experience consistently higher levels of stress. As Audre Lorde said, “caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” As a queer Black woman and a mother, caring for herself was a radical act of resistance.

Don’t forget to check out the Women’s Center’s Self-Care Day event at the end of each semester and these related Women’s Center blog posts!