Beginning Again

Thu, 11 Dec 2025 13:47:27 -0500
feminism, healing, relationships, sexual-assault, umbc, uncategorized, women, womens-center-staff

By: Margot Anthony, WGEC Student Staff Member and Social Work Student

Main theme: Letting yourself be vulnerable again in a relationship after gender-based harm.

Trauma from gender-based harm and healing from that trauma is a topic that is discussed a lot at the Women’s, Gender, and Equity Center (WGEC); we even have a weekly discussion group about it called “We Believe You.” It is through this group that I have been thinking about the healing process, and how in all of the books that I have read about healing from gender-based harm it is never discussed how to navigate beginning a new relationship and letting yourself be vulnerable again.

Since I had experienced my trauma, when I was 17 and 19, I had never been in a relationship after that. I am 23 years old now. The thought of letting myself become that vulnerable again was terrifying, and right now it still is. I had a decision to make, I could live in a world of fear and what if’s or I could take small steps into letting myself fully live my life again, on my own terms.

That’s what I decided to do. I began slowly. I was hanging out with some of my friends and we had the great idea to make an account for me on a dating app. Let’s just say there were some highs and many lows. It took me almost three years to even be comfortable with the idea of seeing if I wanted to go out on dates with people. It took me almost four years to actually go on a date with someone. It took 13 first dates going wrong in some way to find someone that seemed like they understood and respected boundaries.

After some self-care and some journaling I decided that it was time to try again, and that I would give this person a chance; and so far I am really glad that I did. The fear is still there, and will continue to be there for a long time, but he seems to understand that. He encourages me to assert my own boundaries and does not take silence as a yes. Will this last forever? I don’t know and right now that is okay for me. Through this I am learning that there are people who do understand that setting boundaries isn’t presenting a challenge or saying ask me again. There are people that will understand some of your boundaries and limits without you having to say anything and without you having to explain anything to them.

This was a difficult step for me to take because I was putting myself into a situation where I did not know what the outcome would be. I still don’t know what the outcome will be, and I’m beginning to realize that that is okay.

Healing and starting to trust people and be vulnerable again is not a linear process, there are ups and downs. I wish that I could say that there were concrete steps that I took to get to this point. I wish I could say that I’m not scared anymore, but that would be a complete lie. I’m still scared. That is something I don’t think will change. What I am learning is that fear does not have to control everything.

Making sure fear does not control your life and keep you from experiencing new things is easier said than done. Some steps that I take include:

1. Sharing my location when I go on dates.

2. Giving trusted people the name of the person that I am going on a date with and a picture.

3. Meeting someone at a location for a date and not being picked up by them.

4. Telling people what the plan for the date is, and informing them if anything changes.

1. What time and where we are meeting.

2. What time the date is likely to end.

3. Places we may be going other than the place that we meet.

5. Being clear about boundaries when needed.

1. This is one of the hardest things to do. It’s scary. But it’s important. If you get invited to do something you don’t want to do or don’t feel comfortable doing, SAY NO. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF! NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE!

6. Trust your gut! – If you feel uncomfortable, leave. Even if it is something small.

Your journey is yours and yours alone. There is no specific timeline. Dating is hard and scary. One thing that I have learned is that while first dates are scary, the dates after can be even more nerve wracking. The important thing to remember is to make decisions that are good for you, and be willing to communicate your needs with people. The biggest thing that I have learned and that I will leave you all with is the fact that you do not have to be perfect to be in a relationship you just have to be trying.