myUMBC Fanfic: The Numerous Tomfooleries of Erik Walker

Chapter Four: Erik Walker; High Noon at Mega Mountain

Erik’s path through the stone maze eventually led into a cave. Inside were steps that spiraled deeper and deeper, lit only by candles on the walls. Scared and naked, he continued down, hearing nothing but his footsteps until a faint sound started to fill the chamber. As he continued down, Erik noticed that he was getting closer to the melodic haze. The rhythmic tune sounded more and more like an accordion. By the time Erik reached the bottom of the stairs, the smell of hydraulics and seawater filled the chamber. At the bottom of the staircase, it opened up to what seemed to be a pirate headquarters. There was no sign of life, only a stream with a small boat in it. Not wanting to waste time, Erik boarded the craft and before he could paddle forward, it lurched on its own, to the sound of chains clanking. “A flume ride?!” The vessel climbed up a dark cavern, pulling our nude hero up higher and higher. Suddenly, the boat seemed to slow down. It eventually ground to a halt. Submerged in darkness, Erik contemplated staying home today. The boat began to lurch forward, tilting downward in its lunge. “Oh my G-aaaaaggghh!” Erik’s boat began to fall down the dark abyss as flashes of white light strobed, piercing the darkness. Plunging lower and lower, Erik finally splashed into a clearing where daylight could greet him once more. Waiting for him at the end of the ride was a ledge he could finally disembark on. He got out, soaked and in the buff, wondering how this day could get worse. He then spotted Rachel laughing her ass off not ten feet away. “Damn, you and your gang of tools suck at mazes! Fantastic!” She guffawed, “By the way, remember those bright lights?” A scrapbook materialized in her hand. “Check it out, brotato”, she opened the book revealing photos of Erik falling down the chasm, “I can totally see your nips.” “You can’t do this!” Erik panicked, “This is harassment!” “Haha, no. This is harassment.” Rachel summoned a giant land squid to do her bidding. She then clapped twice, and issued a command. “Mr. Tentacles! Party Time!” A tendril shot out of the monstrosity, but Erik was savvy enough to cartwheel out its way. Another arm raced towards him, but Erik jumped over it. As soon as he landed, he was tripped by yet another limb. Two more shot toward him and wrapped around his arms. Strong as he may be, Erik was unable to overpower the mollusk’s grip. The beast pulled him closer, opposed only by the friction of Erik’s feet. This opposition fell by the wayside when it grabbed his legs. Erik panicked again. “Stop it! I’ll do whatever you want!” “Really?” Rachel snapped her fingers and the squid brought Erik closer to her. “Like what?” “Anything that isn’t this!” “Okay...”, Rachel mused, rubbing her chin, “...eat your friends” “All of them?” “Yeah. Mangiare o essere mangiati” “No way; I refuse. I’m pretty sure my parents don’t approve of cannibalism.” “Then I’ll just legally adopt you,” Rachel countered, “You’ll get your own tights and in time, a righteous mullet. But before that, you’ll have to eat your friends.” “I can’t. The Lord frowns on that.” “I TURNED YOUR LORD TO STONE.” Rachel was beginning to lose her patience. “DO THAT THING I TOLD YOU TO DO.” “No. Fuck off.” “Alrighty. Your words.” Rachel launched somewhere else. I don’t know where. Mr. Tentacles resumed doing his demonic deed. More limbs erupted from his rubbery carapace to pull Erik in closer. It opened its bladed maw. “Looks like my goose is cooked...” Erik sighed. “DAMN STRAIGHT!” A loud gurgling voice roared out from the thing. “Holy shit, you talk??” Before it could respond, the squid began to melt. Erik wrestled free from its grip. The stony walls began to recede into the ground. He stood there, dumbfounded, in the cratered field. “Nice ass, dude.” Erik turned around to see it was Christina, wielding a giant cork on a chain. He was never more glad to see her. “What happened?” Erik gasped. “Unlike you two figs, I actually solved the maze.” She lifted the cork “You could say I pulled the plug on it.” “Awesome. So where’s Greg?” “He was supposed to be with you, remember?” “Uh-oh.” Erik fretted, “We have to find a green door around here!” The two began to search and found one not twenty yards from where they were standing. After knocking the door, they were met with silence. Before they tried again, Greg was ejected from the spatial anomaly. The two helped him up. “Are you okay?” Erik asked. “The Lascivious Labyrinth™ does not disappoint!” TUNE IN NEXT TIME. SAME myUMBC TIME, SAME myUMBC CHANNEL